It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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