She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize