Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
