She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize