oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
