Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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