I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
