Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
