the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
