I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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