I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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