I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Shame is for Republicans.
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