sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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