The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
