I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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