my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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