i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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