I cannot find my penis.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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