I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
