just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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