The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
