I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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