You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
