I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You've changed since you got that strap on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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