saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
