I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
