I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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