i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
