I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
