What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
