shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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