I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
