dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
