another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
