I wish my penis had an off switch
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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