can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
