I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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