i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
