I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
