he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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