sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
