I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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