I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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