those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
