every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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