Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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