I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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