Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
