Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
