i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
