The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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