WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
