I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
