She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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