I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
