shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
