There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
