birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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